Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain

taking this show down to the dark side – this, my theme song from 1991, song gets reactivated – Terry was right, damn…

when i’m scared…

yeah i’m real scared that i’m gonna fail – it’ll pass

DON’T WISH – BE

Self-Compassion? from The BLOG Experience?

It is dawning on me that I’m beginning to feel some compassion for myself.  

This concept, self-compassion (had to google it to make sure) is pretty much alien to me.  Self-pity I get; but, kindness and possibly even a little love for oneself as a real experience – well have not been there or done that.

Something about writing a journal blog as openly and honestly as possible is undoubtedly causing this to happen.   I mean, it’s not like I’m madly in love with myself or even common vanity; but, little by little, I’m being kinder to me.  Maybe it’s seeing that this guy in the reflection of the blog is not really all the stupid and weird.  He seems like an okay guy, maybe scared of his own shadow, at times; but, not a massive fuck up.

 

I don’t know any of this for sure, yet. 

 

I have noticed that it can be very sad sometimes (probably b/c I used to be addictively self-destructive) but, mostly in a good way.  See that’s what I mean, it’s a puzzling process.

 

This, I’m gonna let sit on the back burner for a while and see what comes up next.

 

 

 

 

 

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MANIC KETOSIS

 

FREE!  FREE!  FREE! FREE!   

 

Closer to Free…

FUCKIN AYE GEORGE!! DONE! IT’S OVER – UNBELIEVABLE!

MY GRADES?  Okay…see for yourself  

This is the best way to convey what the last five years of my life were like

This is where I was born (just in case u wondered) I SWEAR!

still the same

Fuck!
After all these years, still the same soppy self-pitying, poor me, she didn’t like me…goddam this is so fucked
But who cares anyway
Besides me, Danzig is this week’s obsession…HAHAHAHA

I WANTED SO MUCH to delete the preceding posts, but it’s not going to fuckin happen…I’ve seen other bloggites write worse…so fuck my ego too

I’VE LEARNED (FINALLY)

“You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.”

i now know it WAS the right thing to do

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NO FIG LEAVES HERE

So, I wake up and immediately recall that, earlier this morning, I ended my pursuit of Sq.

The day gets dimmer

I am amazed b/c this fuckin HURTS. I had successfully done everything possible to protect myself against such pain for years and now it’s back. I’m actually mad too, b/c I really liked her. It’s even more of a pisser to get attached to somebody who is an “internet person” not real, but yet so, so real.

You know when you share without fear those thoughts and the other does too, all kinds of amazing things come up and you don’t feel so alone.

You get to know a really sweet person, one who likes to try anything (as I do). Stupid things like eating grass and finding that it tastes yellow, or jumping the fence and eating a few of the neighbors’ japanese plums. I mean, who would does this? Who would share that they did this? We did. And just lot’s of stuff like that.

We helped each other with our injuries and looked after each other – that was really strange when I started get these posts from Sq. warning me to get my leg looked at or not to allow my school to rip me off. That’s how it started – quiet little comments…

See, I got to know her like this – and No fig leaf was necessary. We worried about ruffling each others’ feathers, lol; and tried hard not to. Big bad lemurs that we are in this world of blogs…

But in the end our fear won out.

I know that I’m choosing to feel bad – I hate this feeling; and want to hold on to it. That’s fucked up…

I’m angry…but I’ll be okay soon enuf.

PS I am so glad that only a few people know my real identity and they could give a shit about me and my world. And no Sq. doesn’t know about this blog. So I’m safe, still.